It’s yet another pandemic week that does not contain Christmas, which means it’s high time for a rom-com recap…because, really, what are we doing right now other than dully refreshing Netflix?

Today’s selection is the 2001 gem The Wedding Planner, starring Jennifer Lopez as—get this—a wedding planner and Matthew McConaughey as the dashing groom she accidentally falls for. (Note: this story was written before Matthew McConaughey made some ill-advised comments about the “far left,” so let’s just agree to momentarily inhabit a world where he hasn’t done that yet.) Let’s dive in, shall we?

  1. Before we begin, I want to note that this movie is just over 90 minutes long, which is optimal movie length. Spare me the three-hour epics, Scorsese!

  2. We open on a bride tearfully calling herself fat, because…2001. J-Lo is expertly calming her down with an expert speech, because that’s her job.

  3. One of the gags of this movie is that J-Lo wears a little headset and runs a wedding like it’s a missile launch. I’m not going to note this every time it happens, but it happens a lot.

  4. Hey, Judy Greer!

  5. Now we see J-Lo settling down for an evening of dinner, Antiques Roadshow, wine, and vacuuming her apartment, which I think is supposed to set her up as a lonely spinster, but actually seems like an extreme vibe. Am I old?

  6. We know J-Lo is nice because she plays Scrabble with elderly people, one of whom is her dad, who tries to fix her up with an Italian dude she once met on vacation. (Note: He’s played by Justin Chambers, Grey’s Anatomy’s own Alex Karev, who I don’t think is on the show anymore, but I wouldn’t know, because I simply could not make it through my attempted pandemic rewatch.)

  7. Question: Why is Jennifer Lopez, the daughter of Puerto Rican parents, playing Italian in this movie? 2001, baby!

  8. Hey, Kathy Najimy! I could listen to her say “chuppah” forever.

  9. J-Lo is angling to be made a partner at her wedding-planning firm (Agency? Boutique? I don’t know what to call it). Know that, for background.

  10. We meet a very tall, angular blonde woman at another wedding, who’s shaping up to be J-Lo’s star society client. Wonder who the groom will be…

  11. Physical comedy time! J-Lo’s conservative beige heel gets stuck in a grate, and she almost gets taken out by a rolling dumpster, but luckily, Matthew McConaughey shows up to save her, knight-style. Big reveal: He’s a pediatric surgeon, and all of his tiny little patients love him, so she’s obviously going to have to marry him.

  12. Comment from my roommate, whose sister is an actual pediatrician: “You don’t really spend that much time playing with the kids. It’s mostly medicine and paperwork.”

  13. Thanks to an assist from Judy Greer, J-Lo and Matt are suddenly alone at a carnival (?), and OMG, they totally dance in the moonlight.

  14. I just want to note that Matthew McConaughey in tiny little glasses has lesbian energy. I can’t really explain it, it just is.

  15. In yet another dramatic dance scene, we learn that Matt is engaged to the angular blonde whose wedding J-Lo is planning. Drama!

  16. I just realized that the bride’s name is Fran, which is what I am planning to name either a) my future daughter or b) my future dog. Maybe I’ll stop calling her “the bride” or “the angular blonde” and start calling her Fran.

  17. Alex Karev is inexplicably pretending to be J-Lo‘s fiancé, and he is also doing an Italian accent that sounds more like a Borat impression.

  18. On a group horseback ride with the bride’s rich, fancy parents, J-Lo’s horse runs away with her, but Matt saves her while also on horseback, effortlessly scooping her up onto his own horse. Real cowboy shit!

  19. Back at home, J-Lo’s sweet, elderly dad lectures her about his arranged marriage to her now-deceased mother, which started out rocky but turned out beautiful. 🙂

  20. Fran has to fly east for work, which leaves J-Lo and Matt to plan the wedding and fall in looooooove. As they do so, we learn that Matt wants a small wedding, because he’s super chill, dudes rock, etc. They break the genitals off what appears to be an old and expensive statue, Matt apologizes for being previously rude to J-Lo, and it is clearly ON.

  21. Alex Karev sells J-Lo on the “low-budget wonder” of instant mac and cheese, which, frankly, I can’t be mad at. They have dinner together at her apartment, and he notes that J-Lo is clearly 100% in love with Matt.

  22. At the flower market, we learn that a) Fran was extremely chill in college (like, so chill she gambled), and b) J-Lo’s ex-fiancé is now married to the woman he cheated on her with. The wife is pregnant, too. In response, J-Lo gets so drunk she can’t correctly identify her apartment (relatable!), and Matt has to get her home. She and Matt have several confusing, flirty moments, which culminate in Matt confessing his love, but J-Lo rebuffs him. Good for her! It’s not just the “far left” thing; I have never been all that charmed by McConaughey, tbh.

  23. Fran comes back and suddenly doesn’t want to marry Matt, but J-Lo convinces her otherwise with a prepared you-can-do-it speech.

  24. At a birthday party for one of J-Lo’s Scrabble pals, Alex Karev publicly proposes. Yikes! And…way to steal this poor old guy’s moment! Oh God, he made her a dollhouse, which is some incredibly cute, 13 Going on 30-level romance. J-Lo says “OK,” or, to be more precise, spells it out on a Scrabble board. Nerd.

  25. Matt and Fran’s wedding day is here, and Matt pulls Fran away to make her admit she doesn’t really want to marry him. They’re over.

  26. J-Lo is getting ready for her own wedding, in a tasteful-yet-adorable off-the-shoulder dress, veil, and pillbox hat, when Matt races to City Hall to bust up the proceedings. It works. Poor Massimo!

  27. Finally, we learn that Fran fled to Tahiti after the wedding. Am I wrong for kind of wanting a sequel about Fran only?

Source: vogue.com