There’s some crows in this house, there’s some crows in this house. After months at home—the only consolation being that our Uber ratings aren’t going down—Halloween is around the corner. The years when your costume took two minutes to make are behind us, I’m afraid; everyone is drowning in time. Trapped indoors, manipulation of one’s appearance might be the only expression against the injustices of a cruel world, so choose wisely. Your costume should feel satirical and fresh rather than the classic crimson blood of a vampire or a stale zombie. The perfect costume references current events. I won’t tell you what to wear for Halloween, but remember we’re all a little masked-out at this point and going blonde lost its cache mid-August. I know the holiday will play out on zoom, but a séance to resurrect dead houseplants is still a form of entertainment.
I wasn’t feeling particularly spooky until I saw the behind-the-scenes pictures from the new Batman movie. The cast appeared as a premonition to our end-of-month festivities. Was Robert Pattinson’s deathly pallor an ode to Casper the friendly ghost? Had Colin Farrell come as the world’s most horrific character: an aging man with a goose neck? Obviously, Zoë Kravitz as Catwoman stole the moment, smuggling attention out from the others like the titular cat burglar. Hello, kitty, we all purred. Her boots and fishnets were traditional bondage (obligatory), the fascinator looked like the plastic layer from boxed chocolates (not a look that everyone can pull that off). But it was the oil-black patent leather trench coat that made me yearn for autumn, its knowing slickness reminding me that pre-winter needn’t be thick knits and huge scarves and bobbles on hats. It can be bitter and controlled, an inverse pumpkin spiced latte. Rather than sickly sweet, autumn is seasoned with pepper.
There’s something about Catwoman, isn’t there? The daytime hours as the timid Selina Kyle serving luke warm coffee to kajillionaires, versus the hyper-sexualized thief-vigilante who befriends criminals and plots the downfall of Batman. They’re not enemies, the bat and the cat, they have a synergy. The relationship is much more uber-competitive friends from high school who like each other’s pics and also screengrab them to zoom in and stew over, a silent prize is awarded to whichever one gets engaged first. A stellar ensemble of Hollywood hots have talced up for the catsuit before Kravitz—Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry—Catwomen who are nothing like the cat ladies we’re all slightly terrified of turning into (now that’s a horror story). A quick google of Zoe’s searing hot parents (do I need to name them?) is enough to know she was born for this role. But despite the sleeker look of Kravitz’s Catwoman, as a comicbook character she’s also the epitome of the most basic Halloween costume known to womankind: a sexy animal.
Sexy animals get a lot of shtick this time of year, which is wholly unfair, verging on cruel. We spend months donating to animal charities and suddenly pile on to berate the hottest ones on October 31st. The hot being trolled is not breaking news but this annual U-turn smacks of hypocrisy. Sorry to sound like a chemistry teacher, but all animals have sex to reproduce: who are we to judge the ones with more pronounced secondary sexual characteristics? Attracting a mate is about survival of the fittest, it’s (sexy) dog eat (sexy) dog.
Some cats are just born sexy, they can’t help it if people are jealous of them. Same with hamsters. Jessica Rabbit was a hottie, and Minnie Mouse was hardly a nun. I’ve never met a capybara I didn’t want to date. I take no issue with people’s Fifty Shades of Zoo approach to the Halloween season, and nor should you. Embrace the latent sexuality of your childhood pet. And remember, whether you’re a sex slug, or a horny hornet, or a bat that’s DTF, you can trick to your heart’s content, but treat everyone by staying in.